Baby Blockers

Today is Day 2 on my new journey with Birth Control. There shall be no fetuses up in this womb.

I’M KIDDING!

Well, sort of. I have severe PMDD, which stands for Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. Basically I get PMS from hell and it lasts 10 days. A third of a month. I am only mentally stable for 20 days, if that out of a whole month because I have this problem. It comes with PCOS and ADHD.

I had never wanted to try birth control as a treatment option because I always felt it was lazy of doctors to choose that as the first resort and then my endocrinologist said I could try Ozempic and ask my psych about birth control for the hormonal side of things. I was extremely unstable and my medication dosages were still being adjusted so my psych basically said: Fuck NO.

Flash forward to this month and I am with my new psych and we are sitting talking about the weather and how she loves when its cloudy and rainy and I can’t relate because it makes me sad and so the conversation began. My stupid hormones hate me and it was finally time to reconsider birth control for symptom management. I am stable enough and it was that or another antidepressant and I am currently trying to come off of one, not add another.

I went to my PCP (primary care provider) and was seen by his NP (nurse practitioner) and she prescribed a combination pill but I had expressed to her that I didn’t want estrogen because of the weight gain it causes and weight management is a big part of PCOS management. Anyway, I just went to the pharmacy and picked up the OPill which is just progesterone, and I am only on day two.

Why share any of this? Well, because it is my blog and I can but mostly for educational purposes and for transparency.

Because if I am honest with myself, I am terrified of the weight gain. I work so hard to try and keep weight off, at this point I am not even trying to lose any, I just don’t want to gain more. It is hard to live with such insane yearly weight fluctuations and the body dysmorphia be body dysmorphing.

In a year I can be anywhere from a size 4-6 to a size 10-12. That means I am small/medium to extra large and it sucks. I have an insane amount of clothes and I like to joke about it but it is because I have to have a wide range of sizes in my closet at all times.

I preach about self-love and confidence but even I am susceptible to the negative thoughts. Just because I may not always feel beautiful, it doesn’t mean I am not and that goes for everyone reading this.

This is not by any means a cry for attention or for compliments about how I am beautiful no matter what size I am. The reason I feel the need to reiterate this is because as awful as some people may think it is of me to say: I know I am beautiful regardless of the number on the scale. I said I heard the negative thoughts, not that I was blind.

I am choosing my mental health and I will figure out the rest as I go but it is supposed to be a 3 month journey before any real changes are seen. I will try to update briefly every week and maybe some of you may find it useful.