"Hello sadness, my old friend..."

Grief is a Bitch with a capital B.

The year is 2007, Krishna is 5 years old bawling her eyes out because her mother broke the news to her that one day she would grow up and have to be an adult. Krishna was a little odd in the way that unlike many other children, she did not want to grow up. I think that was the first day I experienced grief or at least it is the first memory of grief that is imprinted in my brain.

Up until recently I believed that the first time I experienced grief was when my grandma died because I also only associated it with death. However, I came to the realization that the first time I experienced grief was at the ripe age of 5.

Everyone associates grief with death but the reality is that grief can show up at your doorstep like an uninvited houseguest that eats all your food and has no plans to leave anytime soon.

My most recent encounter with grief was grieving my mother’s youth. I had a memory from summer 2022 pop up and she was dancing. She loves dancing, it’s one of her passions and first loves. However, she can no longer move like she used to because of a chronic illness called Fibromyalgia. She lives in pain everyday and ever since her diagnoses the grief has been haunting me but more now than ever. I see the longing in her eyes every time she hears one of her favorite songs. I also see the sadness and pain there as well.

Many ask me why I still live at home at my big age and the answer is simple: I cannot bear to leave my sick mother. My mom is my best friend and always has been. Seeing your best friend age and their body begin to deteriorate is one of the worst feelings in the world.

I fear for the inevitable day of her death. I genuinely cannot imagine a life without her in it. I have not always been a part of her life but she has been around for all of mine and the thought literally squeezes the air out of my lungs and grabs me by the throat.

I feel like I see the will leaving my mother’s pained body everyday and it scares me.

This has also caused me to think a lot about a post I saw, it said: “If you had the option to be born or not be born and your mother would live out all her dreams, which would you choose?”

The answer was quick in my mind. I would choose her happiness and dreams.

I am not going to lie, I am an innately selfish person and often look out for my own best interest but I would give anything to see my mother happy and healthy and able to dance again. For her to be able to chase me down the street like she did when she found my tattoos.

Grief is not just for the dead. It is for the living, for the memories of your past, for people no longer in your life, for a life that could have been. Grief is just around the corner, waiting to sneak in the moment the door to your heart is left a little open.