"Life had just begun, and now I've gone and thrown it all away." -Queen

Golden child to disappointment. That’s the definition of I have of myself sometimes. Mostly on cloudy days when the darkness creeps close by.

I went from early college grad with a Bachelor’s at 20 years old, a 9-5 using my degree straight out of college, with a steady income to a part-time retail employee (again), about to go back to school (again), and feeling like my mother’s biggest disappointment.

Being first generation the goal is to make all of your parent’s sacrifices worth it and for the longest time I felt that I had succeeded. I felt like I was on top of the world…. Until, I became a retelling of Icarus.

I flew too close to the sun and fell. At least that’s what it feels like.

I like to be truthful and transparent about my journey and the real raw truth is that, yeah I know what everyone is thinking about my recent life choices because I think about them often too.

BUT…

I don’t regret my choices. I would quit teaching again. When I began therapy I told myself that I was not just going to be wasting my money and that I would listen and try to use the tools taught and given to me. So I have. I have set boundaries, I have faced hard truths about myself, I have done the work, and I have learned to choose myself.

I have always made myself available to everyone but I was unavailable for myself. I was watering everyone else’s garden while I let mine wither and dry. Sometimes I still let my garden lose a few leaves but I have gotten better at making sure that all is well.

It is important to note that choosing yourself is not selfish but also that there is a difference between putting yourself first versus making yourself unavailable. Making yourself unavailable to everyone because you can’t be bothered is being selfish, we can’t forget those who helped us pave the way in our journey of self discovery.

I don’t think I was being selfish in choosing my mental health over my salary but I see how it impacted the lives of those around me. I wouldn’t say I carried a majority of the financial contributions of my household because that would be a lie but I significantly helped. My financial contributions have significantly decreased since so has my income and the guilt eats me up every day.

Why?

Well because I owe my mother my life, education, and career. She was my number one paver and I chose the worst possible time to have a career change and begin redirecting my life. She has never been more sick in her life and I chose to add onto her burdens by choosing to let go of one of mine. I recognize the selfishness in that.

However, I now have this to thank my mother for as well because even though she did not agree with my choices she still chose to support my decision. My mother is the most selfless person I know and it has been to her detriment and this is why I feel like her biggest disappointment sometimes.

Disappointing her has been my biggest obstacle in this journey, I don’t want to fail her but I also don’t want to lose myself in the process. So, what is there to do?

Honestly….

I don’t know either.