"Hey Siri, play Secrets by Mary Lambert"

Don't believe her.

I have been asked a lot what it’s like to live with Bipolar Disorder and ADHD, that I was diagnosed with in my adult years and the answer is as follows:

Fucking awful.

BUT…

It is manageable.

I was first diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in 2020, after a manic episode that led to me wanting to k—ll myself. I had it all planned and I had my letters, one for my mom, one for my sister, and one for my grandma. However, it was not my time. My sister kept interrupting me and I am sure you’re wondering how one does that, well she kept calling me because she needed one thing or another. Mind you, I was actively trying to slit my wrists with my beautiful dagger (I like pretty and sharp things). She also kept coming to my bathroom and knocking on the door so I would pay attention to her. Eventually I moved from the bathroom to my room but same thing, she KEPT INTERRUPTING! So I gave up but it led me to seek help and get diagnosed.

That was the first time I was diagnosed. I say first because I was then diagnosed by three other psychiatrists and didn’t take it seriously until the fourth one.

I wanted to be in denial because it was easier than disappointing my mother. I lived and breathed for her. I was the golden child that could do no wrong in her eyes. But, alas, immigrant parents and mental health don’t mix too well. To say she said some unfavorable things to me is putting it VERY lightly, but we got passed it and we were able to break the stigma in my household and seek help for not only me but my sister and father as well.

I have been in consistent treatment since 2022, when my grandma passed away and I couldn’t find the light at the end of the tunnel again. I had fully convinced myself that I didn’t have BD and it was ADHD, turns out it was both and then some.

Full Diagnoses:

- Bipolar 1

- ADHD Combo

- Generalized Anxiety Disorder

- Panic Attack Disorder

- Major Depressive Disorder

- CPTSD

Living with it then - awful.

Living with it now that I take medication - honestly, not too shabby anymore.

I genuinely don’t understand sometimes what people’s obsession with refusing medication because it improved my quality of life significantly.

However, I still have episodes and apparently, according to my new psych, it’s cause I have type I not II and I was under the impression I had BD II.

Did you guys know that having period of mania followed by three months of depression means that you are in fact not stable?

Well, now we all do.

But just to give you an idea of what an episode looks like:

1. Last one lasted from March to June.

2. I was on top of the world and then I injured myself and it triggered the depression.

3. I had a meltdown and was going to move out of my mother’s house. I even called a loan company to see how much I could get approved for and had a house picked out and everything.

4. I quit my stable 9-5 as a teacher (that is a discussion for another day).

5. I basically ran away from my problems for a month by going to stay with my sister.

I am okay now though. I did in fact get put on an atypical antipsychotic.

Shittiest part though? I never truly know if I am actually happy and stable or if I am entering mania. I have been sleeping very well so I am hopeful I am stable.

-K